Princesses don't give blow jobs
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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