i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
