made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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