i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
