So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
