you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
