I wish my penis had an off switch
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
