I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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