it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
