i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
