Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
