So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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