I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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