You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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