I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
