There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
ttyl tear gas
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
