Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
