take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize