i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
