meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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