He disabled his match.com account in front of me
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dear god my vagina.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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