Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It's blow job season.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
