We're like a lot better than the average bears
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
