Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
