dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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