Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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