We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
