I seem to have left my pride at pride
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
