He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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