this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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