He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
