Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
