He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
