the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I want her autograph on my taint
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
