They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
