Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
