True but thats because hes a fetus.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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