Your face is a jimmy john
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
