Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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