you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
