I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Randomize