My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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