Soap is not a condiment
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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