Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
