i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
