i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
