he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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