my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
