I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
