Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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