I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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