the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
