My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
