Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
