Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
