well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
