Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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