He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
